Friday 30 June 2023

The Horns Of Nimon: Ranking - 142

    The Horns Of Nimon

(Season 17, Dr 4 with Romana II, 22/12/1979-12-1/1980, producer: Graham Williams, script editor: Douglas Adams, writer: Anthony Read, director: Kenny McBain)

Rank: 142

'Welcome to Sknonnos, sacrifices. here are your prizes: a bendy Nimon, a chequebook and pen, a speedboat that looks a little bit like The Whomobile and your impending destruction. Goodbye!'




 


 Poor ‘Horns Of Nimon’. It’s the scapegoat (scape-bull?) for all sorts of the things that people don’t like about the late Tom Baker era – the hammy acting, the unlikely plot, the way that growing inflation has hit the programme budget and made everything look cheaper in real terms than it ever will again – and been blown up of all proportion to be ‘the story that’s so bad it makes you cringe’. Actually I find it a really good, engaging story, albeit one clearly made under pressures of time and money, one that has a lot to say about religion and faith and worshipping people who betray your trust. It’s a sort of space-age ‘Aztecs’ that looks anew at whether an empire is worth saving when bits of it are so good and forward thinking even when other parts are so barbaric, which is a very DW angle to take. At its heart its a story about sacrifice in more ways than just the teenagers handed over unquestionably to the space minotaur to keep a world safe – its about the soldiers who survive a war at all costs even to the families they were fighting for and what price you’re prepared to pay as an individual to keep your home safe, about whether when it comes down to it you see your life as a small detail set against the weight of your civilisation or whether you care more for your own skin than your principles. The Sknossos are unusual inDW terms in that they don’t go down without a fight when the baddy turns up pretending to be a God– their downfall is the all too believable situation where they fight amongst themselves the way any civilisation would, divided between warriors and traitors but traitors, so the plot makes clear, whose worst crime is wanting the peoplethey love to live. When the finished script by former script editor Anthony Read dropped into the script editor’s in-tray he must have been relieved and pleased at having such a reliable DW-ish story to run with. The trouble is what comes next: that script editor is Douglas Adam at the end of his time on the show (this is the last DW story to have his name on the credits) and he’s getting bored and distracted by ‘Shada’ his own script he’s meant to be writing and he’s in a cheeky mood, so the usual level of comedy is beefed up from a few smart lines to a constant nod to the absurdities of DW in general and this story in particular. Then the script is handed over to its guest star Graham Crowden, an old drinking friend of Tom Baker’s and a candidate for the other funniest man on TV in the 1970s and guess what? They have a competition to see who can get away with the most outrageous bits of comedy patter. Notably Tom Baker realises halfway through the story he’s never going to win and tries another tack, making his Doctor darker and moodier and underplays his part suddenly – it works so well he’ll do it again more next series. You would normally rely on the director to tone this down as rehearsals wore on, only in this case its a newcomer whose never had to deal with Tom Baker before (who was, rightly, highly protective of his character after six years on the show and felt he knew better than anyone how to make DW) and this story, more than any other DW story since the 1960s, is made to a ridiculously tight deadline, with the technician’s strike that’s about to force the premature cancellation of next story ‘Shada’ (Douglas’ real goodbye) already rearing its ugly head. Throw in the BBC costume department being asked to make a realistic space Minotaur on their budget, something that was always going to be hard to achieve with all the money in the world, and sticking him in groovy disco gear for no apparent reason (who saw the script and went ‘I know what a space Minotaur should wear...hotpants!’!?) and you suddenly have a production where everything has been skewed just a little too far towards pantomime and a cast who spend most of their screen time chewing the scenery – and rather bland scenery it is at that. Underneath it all though, buried below Crowden’s genuinely funny portrayal and Tom Baker’s quick witticisms and the problems with the production, is still a sense of the dramatic emotional story that should have been, with all the subtleties of the script still there beneath the, uhh, bull. There’s so much to enjoy in this story that never gets talked about: ee open with the Tardis in peril, pulled into a black hole that’s genuinely tense. Sknonnos feels like one of the more ‘real’ worlds DW has visited, with a back story that makes it seem as if its existed long before the Tardis landed there. Soldeed is not your usual ranting power-mad villain; he’s convinced that the sacrifices he’s making are right and he’s the only person from his planet whose dared look upon the face of the Nimon behind it all, a being who is all powerful and all knowing in the script even if on screen its just a man wearing a lopsided bull’s head. Like ‘Underworld’ the story touches on Greek myths and turns them space-age to good effect, with labyrinths and tunnels (‘Skonnos’ is ‘Knossos’ if you hadn’t guessed already) and I find that clever, history repeating itseldf, even if I’m probably the only fan who feels like that it seems. Above all else though, beneath all the comedy and giggles, it really feels as if the Doctor and Romana might not get out of this one alive right up until the end. Yes there are problems, even without the constraints of budget time and comedy. There’s not enough time given over to the Sknonosses to get to know those people and while the latest Blue Peter guest star, Janet Ellis (mum of pop star Sophie Ellis-Bextor) tries hard she and the other locals are barely sketched never mind flesh and blood characters, refugees a bit hopeless and helpless without the protection of their Nimon God. I wish the two planets Skonnos and the Nimon’s ‘power complex’ were more obviously two different planets too – you can tell that its the same set slightly redressed without much effort put in. However even here there are neat little touches I like too: the screen that connects the two worlds that’s like a magician’s curtain (so much better than the similar ones in stories past), some of the lines (‘He’s not insecure - The Nimon lives in the power complex’ ‘well, that fits’) and the great twist that, after three episodes of just seeing one Nimon, suddenly there’s a whole army of the things in episode four (just as you’ve assumed they can’t afford to build the costumes). Even I don’t think its a top tier classic but I like ‘Horns Of Nimon’ a lot – both for the story it is and the one it should have been.


+ Romana. Lalla Ward carries this story, ignoring the games her co-stars are playing and delivering this story utterly straight. Luckily Romana’s given a lot to do this story and she handles it all well, being a surrogate Doctor for most of it as she explores and problem solves. Her character, especially this second incarnation of it, has really come into her own across this season as she moved from being naive monster bait to a fighter of injustice every bit as impassioned as the Doctor, if not quite with his street smarts. By this story she’s stopped being his disciple though and started thinking for herself, becoming a key presence in her own right without the need to believe in a higher source. Which, after all, is what this story of trust and deceit and the labyrinth of navigating life, is all about.


- Soldeed’s death scene is the one that’s stood in for a lot of the flak, repeated so often to laugh at and with fans assuming the rest of the story is like it, but there’s a story behind it. Graham Crowden, enjoying the free-wheeling teasing of the production, goes as outrageously OTT as he can, agonising for hours, cackling and falling down in a very grand and theatrical way. He thought it was a camera rehearsal and he was making all his friends laugh. To his horror he heard the director call ‘cut!’ and this being such a troubled shoot there was no time to go for a re-take. However even this scene isn’t that bad: it totally fits Soldeed’s personality that even his heroic noble sacrifice would be a grand theatrical gesture, perhaps in the hope of some future historian witnessing it and writing what a brave figure he was, even in death.




Thursday 29 June 2023

State Of Decay: Ranking - 143

   State Of Decay

(Season 18, Dr 4 with Romana II and Adric, 22/11/1980-13/12/1980, producer: John Nathan-Turner, script editor: Christopher H Bidmead, writer: Terrance Dicks, director: Peter Moffat)

Rank: 143

'Hello, I'm one of the old ones and I've just dropped into your bloodbank to take some out. No not in, out. I told you I want to make a withdrawal. What do you mean? It's a bank isn't it?!' 





I came to ‘State Of Decay’ near-last out of the ‘old’ 20th century DWs and, well, let’s just say it wasn’t quite what I expected from the guidebooks and what seemed a straightforward story about vampires from, in Terrance Dicks, one of DW’s most refreshingly straightforward writers and a story made in the early JNT era when DW was as straightforward as it ever gets. This story is...weird. It’s hard to put your finger on why, as all the hammer horror cliches are there (albeit in a very DW scifi rather than true blood-curdling way) and yet nothing in this story is quite what it seems at all. The haunted castle is actually a rocket and that the trio of vampires we meet are the survivors of a ship that crashed in e-space, mutating into vampires (though quite how that mutation happens is never really explained).These vampires aren’t outcasts living on the fringes of society – they are the society, the masters and rulers of an empire and their castle isn’t relegated to some out of bounds castle but overshadows everything else. The ‘state of decay’ in the title refers not to them so much as the planet and the masses on it and while the vampires can drink blood directly they mostly live off ‘energy’ in a more general scifi ‘Savages’ type way (you’ll have to wait for the Plasmavores in ‘Smith and Jones’ for DW’s first true blood-sucking monsters). Weirdest of all, despite the Medieval vibes, this lot are technologically amongst the most advanced race we’ve ever seen in the series, their abilities as advanced as the timelords. In other words its a story where all the expected tropes are there, but twisted – far more so, than, say, the pretty traditional twists on Frankenstein in ‘Brain Of Morbius’ or the mummy’s curse in ‘Pyramids Of Mars’. This story must be even weirder when seen through modern eyes I should think. Thirty years before ‘Twilight’ DW finally got round to doing a story about vampires, but they don’t look much like my namesake Robert Pattinson. No this lot are immortals, ‘old ones’ who are well old, very out of place now we’ve had three decades of being sold vampires as being young, vibrant and sexy. Which is pretty odd when you think about it. I mean, vampires can be any age but vibrant? Sexy? They’re the living dead, people! They’re meant to be pale barely-walking corpses. See modern Who’s take ‘Vampires In Venice’, where they’re all young sexy fish people, for a particularly flesh-filled example – if you must. Where did our expectations change so drastically? All that said anyone watching DW for goth kicks will like ‘State Of Decay’ a lot, a story which features as many of the ‘Addams Family’ cliches inside 100 minutes as it can: secret towers, dark lighting, bats, lots of blood. The vampires are, in so many ways, one of the deadliest of all DW foes, with a history as old as the timelords and lots of mentions of the power they contain – yet there’s little in the script that actually shows such a power. Instead ‘Decay’ is more of a comedy script, something which might be explained by the fact that is a hasty re-write in the more kiddie-friendly era of the series, rather than the horror-filled Phillip Hinchcliffe era it was pitched for (the story was turned down by the BBC controller in 1977 not, as it happens, for any violence that might have given Mary Whitehouse kittens but because the BBC had just done a ‘straight’ drama of ‘Dracula’ and they feared some of the plot twists made their big epic look like a parody; by chance this story ended up going out just when the new romantic movement was making goth trendy again and couldn’t have been better timed – much of this story looks like a Siouxsie and the banshees promo). Really, though, it’s not a story about vampires at all but a typical DW (and very typical Terrance Dicks) story about growing up and learning to become independent, without trusting the people around you at face value. The vampires have kept their people enslaved for years with promises of keeping them safe, even though they’ve been the enemy keeping us in our place all along (they’re our Royal Family basically, complete with crowns). The vampires’ bloodsuckingness is really just a clever metaphor for that old DW favourite class and society, where the people in charge are stinking rich and the people who work under them just stinking, taken to extremes. Adric, the new Alazarian on the block in his second story, finds to his cost repeatedly that aliens aren’t all as benevolent as the Doctor, Romana too struggles to be as independent as usual and gets rescued a lot (presumably the original script was written for Sarah Jane) and even the Doctor is surprised by some of the things he finds out because he never for one second believed that the old legends of vampires could be real. A lot of people have a very different world view by the end of this episode and that includes the viewer. The vampires, after all, are defeated by the Doctor not in the usual hammer horror way but through intelligence (best line: ‘he has the greatest weapon of all...knowledge!’) after years of banning education on this planet just in case anyone else figures that out too – and if that line doesn’t summarise DW in a nutshell I don’t know what does (it was, after all, first pitched as being ‘educational’ every bit as much as it was ‘entertainment’), although its typical of this story that we get the stake-through=-the-heart cliche at the end anyway, in deeply odd circumstances (spoilers: the vampires’ own castle is really a rocket ship and its that which is used as the stake!) There are lots of clever moments in this story that make it more than just your run-of-the-mill vampire story, with more to sink your teeth into than most. Not everything works though admittedly: this story is a prime example of why DW needs to have at least one human character in there somewhere to make us care. By the time the Doctor and Romana have finished pontificating from a timelord point of view and the old ones have discussed pre-history with them that leaves us with Adric’s eyes to see things through – and he isn’t even from our sodding universe but e-space, so he still knows things that we don’t! Talking of which, e-space is barely mentioned this story too; the others either side of it, ‘Full Circle’ and ‘Warrior’s Gate’, are all about getting stuck in this scary dimension away from ‘normal space’ where everyone might get trapped forever; this planet might as well be in our space too for all the effect it has on the plot (which goes to great lengths to say that the vampires were once ‘everywhere’). With all this talking going on you rather long to have some more of the vampire cliches too and the fake flying bats just don’t cut it. This is a story which is oddly low on action, thrills spills and kills for a story that’s all about blood-sucking mutants, something which makes ‘State Of Decay’ one of the more dated DW stories. That said, in many ways that’s a relief: you know what’s going to happen in every variation of ‘Dracula’, starting with the BBC version it was feared this story would lampoon. ‘State Of Decay’ keeps you guessing how things are going to turn out throughout with a clever script that’s full of twists and turns and goes for existential scares that curdle the blood in a philosophical sense rather than jump-screams. And I for one prefer that. So fangs very much!


+ There’s a great finale (spoilers) in which it looks as if Adric has sided with the baddies and an unconscious Romana is about to be sacrificed that’s solved not because of the usual ‘wave a sonic screwdriver at the problem to make it go away’ or even K9’s laser beams but because of the events across the rest of the story that the Doctor has inspired, stirring up a rebellion that should have started a long time ago. It’s enough to make you want to turn off your TV sets and pick up your burning pitchforks and join in, which after all is also what this show is all about.


- Usually I stick up for Matthew Waterhouse and Adric. After so many stories with Romana as an equal it was about time we had a youngster wet around the ears and as teenage prodigies go Adric has a lot more going for him and is a lot less drippy than, say, Wesley Crusher. It’s about time that the series, looking for a younger audience, had a juvenile character viewers could relate to, like the olden days of Susan and Vicki. Matthew, too, copes admirably with a one-dimensional character whose personality changes script by script considering his age and that he’d done barely any acting before this. The production team truly shot themselves in the foot making this Adric’s second story though: the Adric of ‘Full Circle’ gains our sympathies through all the awful things that happen to him but here Adric as at his worst, reckless, unrealistically naive and putting his foot in it more times than a Sensorite-Voord lovechild. It’s this story, more than any other, that makes you want to punch the annoying brat and leave him behind and if this was the production team’s idea of what their core teenage audience was like then its no wonder the viewing figures begin to drop off alarmingly from hereon in. Reportedly nobody told Lalla Ward about the cast change until the first day of recording (this story being filmed before ‘Full Circle’) and she assumed it was a bad joke. Many fans still assume it was. 

Wednesday 28 June 2023

Nightmare Of Eden: Ranking - 144

      Nightmare Of Eden

(Season 17, Dr 4 with Romana II, 24/11/1979-15/12/1979, producer: Graham Williams, script editor: Douglas Adams, writer: Bob Baker, director: Alan Bromly with an uncredited Graham Williams for some scenes) 

Rank: 144

'Hey man, wanna smoke some Mandrel? Or if that's not to your taste there's a whole gamut of the galaxy to try. Ever snorted an Abzorbaloff? That gives you the munchies that does. A smoking vervoid is kind of like smoking grass, its just that instead of waking up with a hangover you don't wake up at all. And then there's the mara which will open all the doors to your consciousness if you take it plus you also get a free snake tattoo, groovy! Haha fooled you, I was an undercover Judoon all the time. Now listen to my Who all-star charity record 'Just say nooooooooooooooo Doctor!'




 


 This is another one of those Tom Baker stories that never seems to do well in polls and I really don’t know why – though what you see on screen doesn’t always match the ambition of the script, there are enough strong courageous and imaginative ideas here to make this another good one. It’s by Bob Baker alone, his last story and his only one without writing partnerDave Martin, and whether he was the calming influence out the pair or just in sombre mood, it has a notably grittier, more substantial feel than most of their more imaginative scripts for the series. Talking of substances, its the only DW story so far where the plot revolves around drug-smuggling, the sort of thing American scifi series do all  the time nowadays but was rare in a 1970s and decidedly English series meant for children. A few panicked memos from the producer tones things down to make drugs sound less ‘appealing’ to children compared to the first planned draft, but it’s still quite a hard hitting plot for its day that manages to convey the horrors of addiction whilst being kind and understanding to those who fall to their clutches. Vraxoin is pitched as a sort of all-things drug, one that makes the user as gigily high as cannabis, hallucinate as much as LSD and as spaced-out and desperate as taking heroin. The DW twist is that its created not by the aliens but out of the aliens, specifically the Mandrels, a species who are pitched as the big scary monster up until the scary cliffhanger to episode two, then after the ‘monsters’ are shown to be we humans yet again re-drawn as a sort of cosmically comic shaggy bigfoot (though they act more like an intelligent monkey, which might be where the ‘mandrill’ like name came from). A great idea then and something even DW had never done before but alas the plot does descend into a runaround looking for monsters, through a pretty decent jungle set (inside a ‘CET’ machine, that’s basically an electronic zoo where you can see exotic creatures up close in their natural yet artificial habitat) that breaks up the monotony of yet more spaceship sets, but there’s lots of room for both the Doctor and Romana to lecture, pontificate at length and try to right wrongs, just the way we like them. The 4th Dr even gets to be angry, a rare occurrence in the Graham Williams era (when Mary Whitehouse shenanigans turned him into more of a comedy figure than a dark one, the way he was when Phillip Hinchcliffe was in charge) and Tom Baker’s dark snarl is the highlight of a story that otherwise doesn’t take itself very seriously at all. There are lots of great little barbed comments in the script underneath the japes though (such as the captain ignoring the cries from economy class because he’s more interested in saving the richer passengers) and though some fans find it a bit off-putting I’m a sucker for this particular period of DW comedy (‘Here am I K9, trying a little lateral thinking, and what do you do? You trample all over it with logic).  Douglas Adams’ presence as script editor is perhaps stronger here than on the rest of the stories that aren’t his as ‘Nightmare of Eden’ does a ‘Hitch-Hikers’ job of making very serious points in an often silly way, though Tom Baker is in a giggly mood too so a lot of the ideas might well be his (the jury’s still out on which of them came up with the comedy shots of the Doctor disappearing into the jungle set and coming out with his clothes more ripped than before, complaining about what hurts now, sometimes cited as DW’s worst scene which isn’t horrifically bad so much as not quite as funny as it thinks it is. There are worse scenes in the opening credits of the ‘TV Movie’ or shots at random from the lower half of the Jodie Whittaker stories that would make anyone’s hair curl. Or more in Tom Baker’s case). Where this story falls flat is the humans: this is one of those spaceships where everyone is bored in their work, which is totally in keeping with Douglas’ acerbic view of the future being as humdrum as now but in fancier vehicles, but makes for bland viewing while the potentially most interesting human character spends most of this story off his tits and giggling (frustratingly we’re robbed of the greater insight into why Secker became a user at all). The ‘whodunnit’ angle never really takes off either – unlike so many other DW instances, from ‘The Robots Of Death’ down, there’s no sense of drama, of wondering who will be next or trying to work things out before the Doctor, even if the Mandrel link ends up being rather a clever twist. There are, also, rather too many scenes where the Doctor, Romana and K9 are all engaged in scientific gobbledegook which is meant to make them look terribly clever,but just makes the viewer feel left out (it’s hard to deliver on a plot that’s all about the mistakes made by humanity when none of the regulars are human, a problem in quite a few Romana stories but particularly here). The result is one of those nearly stories, where a great idea and some fabulous moments can’t quite sustain itself for an entire story, but nevertheless this story is one that is a lot closer to ‘Eden’ than ‘nightmare’ and I’ve never understood the hate for this one, which is good solid DW with a lot to say and which (mostly) says it very well.


+ I really like the Mandrels. It was well overdue for DW to do another story about humans exploiting aliens and the idea of them turning the crew into part-bounty hunters, part drug addicts works well as another comment on how humans always make the worst of every situation they end up in. The Mandrel costumes are often mocked and its true that even at my speed I could probably escape most of them at a quick walking pace on their home planet. However we’re not on their home planet – we’re on a spaceship with limited space to run and if you were to wake up with one leaning over you, roaring, breaking through a wall as in the episode two cliffhanger you probably wouldn’t find them funny either. Long overdue a second appearance.


- For once the sets get in the way of the story. We have a lot of spaceship interiors in this era and this is one of the flimsiest – it just feels like a set, made as quickly as possible, without the love and care and detail that usually goes into DW designs. Even the opening scenes with two spaceships about to crash into each other don’t feel that dramatic in a setting that looks like the blandest most generic train cabins going: its just one box about to crash into another one and its hard to get excited about that. Evidently all the care went into the jungle sets which do indeed look lovely but we only spend around an episode there compared to flipping three on board ‘The Empress’.     

Tuesday 27 June 2023

The Doctor's Daughter: Ranking - 145

      The Doctor's Daughter

(Series 4, Dr 10 with Donna and Martha, 10/5/2008, showrunner: Russell T Davies, writer: Stephen Greenhorn, director: Alice Troughton)

Rank: 145

In an emoji: 👧

'Cooee Doctor! Yes it's me - your great aunty! I've just been genetically created from your DNA by this here machine that's also sent me back through the past to become your ancestor. I've been asked to fight in a war. Well, as if I'm going to do that - you're going to do that for me. As soon as you've put the bins out - smaller on the inside they are. Now put those jelly babies down, they'll rot your teeth. And put that screwdriver of yours to good use and put up some bookshelves for me. Oh and after you've done that go and take my shrivenzale walkies would you? Not to mention cleaning out the Mentor's fishtank. And the Whomobile's in a right state so it is, what have you been driving through? No don't tell me, I don't want to know. As far as I'm concerned young man you're grounded - I've put some wheelclamps on the Tardis too just to be sure you don't run off...No, put down that aunti-matter. Won't you even show mercy to your own...aaagh!' 






Does this episode count as...incest? No don’t worry it’s not that kind of a story – this is still ‘Dr Who’ not ‘Dr Oooh’. This is actually quite a normal (by bonkers Dr Who standards) piece about colonists caught in the middle of a war that isn’t what they think it is, probably as close as the modern series has ever come to re-creating the archetype Graham Williams era feel in the 21st century (especially the Tom Bakerish scene where guards are distracted by a clockwork mouse the Doctor just happens to have in his pockets) albeit with a much more satisfactory, plausible ending than a lot of those stories ever had. It’s just that the part of this story that everyone remembers is the genetically-modified being taken from the Doctor’s genetic DNA, christened Jenny for short. And she’s played by...5th Doctor actor Peter Davison’s daughter in real life Georgia Moffett (his real surname if you’re wondering...Peter had to change it to get his equity card because there was already a Peter Moffat working at the BBC. Who also happened to be the director of 5 Dr Who stories between 1981 and 1985 funnily enough). It looks like a publicity coup written to fit round the star (’Peter Davison’s daughter! Whose also the current Doctor’s boyfriend! Roll up roll up and see them fall in love!’) and the publicity machine did go into hyperdrive, dropping hints of a family connection that led to speculation online that Georgia was playing Susan, or Susan’s mother, or (given that Billie Piper keeps turning up on screen every other story this year) that she’s the Doctor’s more conventional child, born after a one-night stand with Rose (well, she is very blonde). But that all came afterwards and wasn’t part of the original plan at all: Georgia, who’d already done a few things for Big Finish despite not having much interest in Dr Who (she was born nine months after ‘The Caves Of Androzani’ when her dad was trying to move on with his career and admits she was too busy ‘playing with dolls’ as a child), simply auditioned along with everyone else without revealing who she really was (and casting directors aren’t always as upon family names and whose who in Who as much as the fanbase). That’s not even the incestuous bit. No, Georgia is better known nowadays as Mrs David Tennant and can herself be seen alongside her hubby in ‘Staged’, series 3 of which showing this very week. And yes, that means the 5th Doctor is his father-in-law in real life. It all looks like a publicity coup: except that’s not how it was at all. David Tennant had only just broken up with Madame De Pompadour (sorry, Sophia Myles who starred in ‘The Girl In the Fireplace’) when he first met Georgia at rehearsals and they fell for each other pretty instantly (they bonded during the cold location shoots when Tennant leant her his deceptively thick coat, which he’s had designed for such cold nights – and, being less thin but more muscly, she ripped it). In retrospect they totally have the hots for each other from the second they meet, that famous big grin getting bigger and those googly eyes widening in every scene they’re in together. On both of them (she really is quite believable as his daughter, give or take the fact that timelords never look their age – Jenny looks not unlike Susan at times too, with the same big eyes). There’s a point at the end of this story, when the Doctor’s cradling Jenny in his arms and kissing her forehead when you think we’re about to get a most inappropriate full-on snog. Which makes this tale of the Doctor being protective for the first off-spring we’ve seen on screen since 1964 a bit, well, off-putting. And that’s what this story has become known for in Dr Who circles, the moment when two of our favourite people in the Whoniverse met and fell in love. 


 But ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’ is primarily about another different sort of relationship, between parent and child and this is a story where a man who thinks he’s the last of his kind is handed a ready-made baby he wasn’t prepared for at all. The story came about when writer Stephen Greenhorn, interviewed by Dr Who Magazine for his last story ‘The Lazarus Experiment’ (and therefore read by everyone in the Who office) was asked about the hardest thing in writing a Dr Who script and he said it was the ‘restrictions’ imposed by the format – that he couldn’t, for instance, give the Doctor a story that changed him too much because things would have to be normal the next week. That is standard practice on most long running dramas (such as police crime drama ‘The Bill’). But that wasn’t how showrunner Russell T Davies thought of the series at all: he wanted his writers to challenge the character’s perception of the world in each and every episode and have what they saw and who they interacted with change them all the time. So, after a lot of teasing (they were friends after all) Davies commissioned Greenhorn to write a mid-series that challenged the Doctor, made him think of things he hadn’t to face before and which took him in a whole new direction we’d never seen. In this story he would get a daughter. Not since Susan back in the first and second seasons have we seen the Doctor in the position of (grand) parental responsibility and it’s not something that comes naturally to a character who most likes to be footloose and fancy free. 


 It’s one of those sub-plots you get in long-running dramas as an easy way of throwing in big deep emotions, the lone responsibility free character who suddenly discovers they’re a parent without ever realising it, something that happens a lot to single fathers in soap operas (and not as often to single mothers for the obvious reasons that they would notice being pregnant, but there’s a fair few ‘adoption’ stories too). Dr Who had never done that story before because it’s hard to fit a plausible reason to give the Doctor a child without the whole palaver of bringing back Susan and confusing people who don’t remember her. But writer Stephen Greenhorn comes up with a brilliant conceit: a war between two races who have invented their own genetic clone machine - much like the Sontarons the previous week – that takes the Doctor’s own DNA and gives him his own fully grown daughter. Jenny is, by appearances, a fully grown adult as befits a race that need soldiers to be ready to fight from their first hour of life and she’s a chip off the block in so many ways, curious clever and at her happiest when doing lots of running about. However she doesn’t yet have the Doctor’s experience. She’s the first Romana, sort of, someone whose booksmart but not streetsmart and hasn’t yet learnt from everyday life when to follow the rules and when to break therm. At its hearts, too, this is a story about the debate between nature and nurture: Jenny is so like the Doctor in some ways and not at all in others, bred for war and happy to fight, with an innocence the Doctor knows will be crushed if she fights for real. Jenny’s how the Doctor he might have turned out had he not met Ian and Barbara and been shaped by their kindness all those years ago, or the self he might have been if he’d never left Gallifrey. He doesn’t get on with her at all for most of the episode, from what he tells Donna because she’s so unlike him before later admitting that it’s more because she’s too much like him for comfort. He sees this dark side within himself, this need to fight and she remarks on how much he thinks like a soldier – but he doesn’t want to be a soldier, he wants to be a Doctor. Nobody writing this story knew about the 50th special ‘Day Of The Doctor’ yet of course given that it’s still five years away but this is one of those stories that story fits around so well, the Doctor’s guilt over the regeneration that killed so many in the time wars. No wonder the doctor is so horrified at Jenny’s war mongering aspects, because he’s seen that within himself. He desperately doesn’t want that for his daughter – like all good parents he wants better for his child than what he went though himself, but doesn’t know how to do that, how to stop his frustrations with the parts of him he doesn’t like spilling through so that she ends up carrying over the same toxic traits that have held him back. It’s been a while since Dr Who made the most of being one of the few shows families of all ages could sit down and watch together and come away from with a slightly different perspective; this is one of the cleverest, a sort of TV version of Cat Stevens’ ‘father and Son’ in which both parent and daughter are ‘right’ and both are ‘wrong’. 


 One other issue that’s rather skirted over in this story is how timelords reproduce naturally (mostly because no two Who projects ever seem to agree). The way it’s written on screen the Doctor could be horrified that they’ve taken his DNA to make a soldier – but he could also be horrified at the way it’s done, without permission. There’s a very influential ‘New Adventures’ story, ‘Lungbarrow’ (by Marc ‘Ghostlight’ Platt, who after writing the last recoded TV story also wrote this, the last book with McCoy as the ‘current’ Doctor, before McGann takes over and he 7th Doctor ends up in the ‘past adventures’ series with the first six) that’s all about how timelords are ‘born’, which Russell T at least would have known of, given his time as a fan and his own story ‘damaged Goods’ in this same series, even if he hadn’t read (‘Lungbarrow’ is one of the hardest of all Dr Who books to track down; Chris Chibnall, when asked if he’d ever read it, said even he couldn’t afford to track down a copy). They don’t have a mummy and a daddy, they’re loomed. Because they’re such a long-lived race who think about things in terms of fine balances, timelords only have children when they’re ‘allowed’ to – because the family line is dying out or, more normally, in times of crisis. In this process strands of DNA from two prospective parents are woven together by a machine that, much like the Tardis, is part ‘alive’ and can help choose the timelord that’s ‘needed’ at any one time and sort out which Gallifreyan chapter they belong to, a bit like the Harry Potter ‘sorting hat’ but without the sarcasm (and the book was written before the idea that timelords could change genders, so it’s best not to think about that too much). For the Doctor having a baby turned into a soldier because that’s what a machine ‘needs’ would have caused an almighty flashback which might explain just why he’s so anti Jenny at first, because he doesn’t believe this world needs a soldier. Plus, having babies born out of not a machine’s choice of timelords but out of two beings who love each other is the sort of poetic natural event that would touch the Doctor’s soul as a sort of proto test-tube baby, with reproduction something sacred that shouldn’t be messed around with (it makes sense that a timelord who rejected all the rigid rules of his homeworld would embrace something as messy, odd and random as sexual reproduction). You might think that being manufactured by machine isn’t that different (though the Human future version is a lot quicker) but the big difference between the two is that timelords have part of their memories passed on along with their characteristics and quirks. Only Jenny doesn’t have any of this; she’s a whole new person who has less in common with the Doctor than a newborn timelord would. And given that the Doctor is the ‘last’ timelord, and so can’t ‘loom’ a baby the old-fashioned way, makes the irony all the worse. Note the Doctor’s speech that Jenny is ‘an echo’ while a timelord is a ‘shared history, a shared suffering’. Though its portrayed as an age old the old resenting the young’s innocence while the young resent the old’s experience, the fact is there hasn’t been a timelord that was truly young since the days of Rassilon and Omega in the before-times, every generation carrying a part of their old selves around with them (this is another reason why the ‘Timeless Child’ arc is such a mis-reading of this series. As if we needed any others). 


 That leads to another brilliant development: generational trauma. The genetically modified soldiers that have been born to this world are automatically given a collective memory of the war, which has been raging for ‘generations’. Each one is primed to fight the war their ancestors started without thinking about it, because it’s such an overwhelming part of their DNA. Everyone is doing what the generation before them did because no one has seen the bigger picture and known when to stop and when someone’s pointing a gun at you it’s natural to point a gun at them back, even if neither of you quote know why you’re doing it. But nobody fighting this war between Hath and Human seems to remember how it started: they’re fighting because that’s what they’ve been programmed to do. It’s a throwback to a debate that’s been running through this series like lettering through sticks of rock ever since the first and second stories, when the Tardis landed in amongst tribes of cavemen fighting for resources and when the Doctor and companions inspired pacifists the Thals that take up arms against the Daleks. It’s very much like the olden days of the 1960s (and Greenhorn is a 1960s baby, born the day before episode five of ‘The Reign Of Terror’ in fact) when as a family show Dr Who was the perfect grounds for debate between children and parents about whether world wars were just and noble or a waste of people and resources. Greenhorn is heavily on the side of the pacifists and comes up with a brilliant plot twist (spoilers): This awful war, in which multiple generations have fought, has only lasted a week. Yes that’s right: this isn’t a seven year war or seven a 700 year war but a seven days war. How can this be? Well, every DNA creation is an adult when they’re born and they only have a short life expectancy, with upwards of twenty generations dying in a single day. No wonder nobody can remember what this war is all about – it started hundreds of generations ago, even though. It’s an excellent comment on the horrors and stupidity of war and David Tennant is at his angry, shouting best when Donna works it all out for him. So that’s two classic twists on an old formula. ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’ is shaping up to be a classic. 


 Only the problem is in the re-writes. Russell T thinks he’s shaping a war epic. The interviews Russell gave in turn about this story to Dr Who Magazine and The Radio Times, about how sometimes even good people are forced to take up a gun, suggests he didn’t really understand this story at all (and that’s not a case of getting his own back on his colleague - genuinely this usually most erudite and intelligent of writers missed what the story was all about). There are a lot of lines in this story that feel like his natural style and not Greenhorn’s at all: the clever one about how all soldiers think they’re trying to stop the war particularly. Which is a problem when they’re in a story that seems to contradict itself. This is part of the downside of how Who is being run in the modern age. It used to be that writers were left to come up with their own storylines and script editors would either agree, make suggestions or nod disapprovingly and try again. At it’s best this formula led to an impressive array of different viewpoints, so that from story to story you could see things from different angles: one week Terry Nation’s seeing war as an inevitable evil and a noble thing if you’re fighting for people you love; the next week Malcolm Hulke’s telling you that all warmongerers are stupid because deep down everyone wants peace. Nowadays, though, 99% of starting points are the showrunners and if a writer doesn’t stay on message they can be re-written until they are until the only voice in the room is the person in charge. That’s not so much of a problem for now because Russell’s been around writer’s rooms long enough to know the power of giving everyone a chance to be heard (though it will get that way when Moffat makes every script ultra-complicated and Chibnall a lecture) but it is in this story. It’s not so much that Davies and Greenhorn disagree so much that they haven’t even realised they have a difference of opinion. Somehow it never came up in any writer’s briefing whether the viewer should side with the Doctor or side with Jenny, whether wars can ever be right and just. Greenhorn wants us to think like Martha, that you can build friendship over racial and societal barriers with kindness and how sometimes it’s worth the risk to trust. Russell thinks the Hath and Jenny dying are collateral damage in a story about war (a point Greenhorn even raises at one point) It is, to carry on the metaphor, as if Malcolm Hulke was asked to re-write one of Terry Nation’s stories with The Thals bating the Daleks through peace and love and a singsong or as if Nation decided to make The Silurians war veterans that wiped humanity out in revenge. 


 There are lots of big battle sequences here portrayed on screen as if the people fighting are heroes. Plus the switch in tone means that Russell has to re-write a lot of the characters we know and love in order to get the plot to fit. The big revealing moment when the Doctor stops thinking of Jenny as a mutant and as his own daughter comes when she’s just done a load of crazy backflips over some lazers: not the sort of thing the Doctor would normally approve of. I mean, if this was a talent show he’d probably look pleased, but this is a war: physical dexterity through genetic manipulation so Jenny can dodge bullets really shouldn’t be his cup of tea. Had Jenny risked her life to save someone else or thought outside the box to stop a treat shooting at people that’s when he’d accept her as his own. Donna, meanwhile, has gone from being a delightfully thick everywoman (or at least someone who misses the bigger picture) suddenly becomes super-smart, revealing out of nowhere that she’s really good with numbers and working out that the spaceship we’re on is based around the dewy decimal system because she once temped in Chiswick library for six months (news to us: when we first meet her it looks as if Donna has never read anything more taxing than the back of a cereal packet in her life, with the biggest single change in her personality since meeting the Doctor being a curiosity for people and things outside her narrow little world she never would have had without him). Poor Martha, too, gets a rotten sub-plot talking to the Hath who can only make bubbles at her back. She’s a trained medic, the person who walks into a war and works out how to save lives not take them – she’s as pacifist as any of the show’s 21st century companions. But lately the series has been toughening her up, adding her to the Torchwood staff (in a handful of episodes in the middle of series two, transmitted a couple of months before this story) and this story needs her to go along with the idea of a war out of revenge for her Hath friend rather than trying to stop it, which is what the Martha of series 3 would have done. This is a story where everyone is acting so out of character that, rather than just show us the Doctor doing something new, we’re seeing everyone acting differently – often for no good reason. For Russell the big payoff moment of this story is when an enraged Doctor point a gun at General Cobb’s head after shooting his Doctor, apparently dead and for a moment you think he’s going to pull the trigger; for Greenhorn the big payoff moment is when he steps away and declares that ‘I never would’. And you can’t have it both ways; either a story celebrates war or condemns it. 


 There’s more meddling too from a future showrunner. Steven Moffat was already being groomed to take over from Russell and, partly for that and partly because he and Russell were such good friends, they discussed a lot of episodes in series four. Having Jenny wake up and regenerate at the end was Moffat’s idea, getting up and running off to have new adventures (Russell joked that, given her inexperience and the fact the space shuttle was surrounding a planet filled with so many moons she probably crashed into them straight away – the Big Finish spin-off adventures have Jenny avoiding exactly that fate with a dig at the stereotype of ‘women drivers’). This aversion to death and the cry that ‘everybody lives!’ is something central to Moffat’s time in charge of the show and while when he first did it in ‘The Empty Child’ it was a surprise by now it’s coming as standard. It takes away the whole impact of that final scene when the Doctor, convinced he’s the last of his kind, has to lose another one. 


There are other problems too. Messaline is a weird planet: all moons ‘n’ mud. It’s apparently named for the third wife of emperor Claudius (Derek ‘Master’ Jacobi in the TV series), the oversexed one who thought she could get away with sleeping around and ignoring her husband because it was ‘only’ Claudius. I still can’t tell if that’s a clever comment on the fact this is a planet populated not by sexual reproduction but clones or not. As for the Hath this week’s alien race, I’m in a similar quandary. Scientists currently reckon (though I’m sure they’ll change their minds, they often do) that if there is life out there on other planets then odds are its aquatic: from what we understand all life has to start from a natural gloopy soup that’s been hammered by just the right amount of proteins, amino acids and lighting bolts. What is less natural is evolving legs and walking away from the water to live up trees. Dr Who has had its fair share of water-breathing monsters in the past: the fish people (‘The Underwater menace’), Arcturus (‘Curse Of Peladon’), The Mentors (Sil) in ‘Vengeance On Varos’, the vampire fish people (‘Vampires In Venice’). They all have one thing in common: they’re not very portable. Designers are faced with a choice between keeping tem in bodies of water or giving them a portable tank to drag around with them. The Hath look as if they’ve got round the problem: a tank that slots onto the bottom of their fish-heads and bows bubbles. Only of course that means we have another problem: they can’t talk, or at least not so we can hear them (apparently the Tardis translator circuits doesn’t ‘do’ bubbles). And just as with other monsters in Dr Who that don’t talk (giant insects mostly) we never get to learn their back story or hear their half of events. Which is a particular problem in a story that desperately needs to stay neutral, so that we don’t side with the Humans or Haths over the other. Which is a shame because the design is one of the most impressive costumes seen in the series – the Hath’s eyes, especially, look very real and they say more with them than a lot of races do with words. It’s just a shame we couldn’t have had the words to go with them, or at least a scene where the Doctor stumbled across a Hath locker room and reads a diary about their life pre-war. Hell hath no fury like a Hath scorned and they’re a believable match for the Humans, despite not having time to be given much, in fact, any of a back story as to why they’re in this war and looking a bit puny and rather cute (I’m amazed there wasn’t a soft toy version like there was of practically everything else in this era – especially one that blows real bubbles; I so want one if the Dr Who merchandise team is reading). 


 It goes beyond the monsters though. I don’t often talk about plotholes in these reviews because writing fiction is hard work: you’re never going to get a story where all the elements completely match up not just with each other but every episode of a long-running series in every way. But there are a lot of plotholes in this story. The big scene with the lazers: who built that exactly? When this ship was designed the Humans and Hath were working together, there was no need to guide the shuttle controls from anyone. Why do the Hath capture Martha (and treat her like a pet dog in one truly bizarre scene) rather than shoot her the way they apparently have with every other Human? They don’t know she’s a medic who wants to save them and their change of heart comes after they’ve taken her prisoner and she saves Peck. If they wanted to capture a human they’ve had, what, 600 generations of chances before now. Why does Jenny take so long to ‘regenerate’? And if it’s a side effect of being a timelord, why doesn’t she change her appearance when she does? (In the script its more obvious that it’s a side effect of the gas in the biosphere, but that’s even sillier – in that case everyone should be waking up and living their lives all over again). If the humans are so desperate for soldiers (and they are) then why aren’t his companions pushed into the genetic anomaly machine too? There should be lots of little Marthas running around, torn between trying to hurt people and patch them up and lots of little Donnas shooting at Hath and going ‘oi, watch it fish freaks!’ All of them should be naked, or if the genetic mutation machine can somehow give everyone clothes then they should all be wearing the same uniforms, including Jenny. Unless it somehow ‘borrows’ from the original person cloned, in which case she should be dressed exactly like a mini-Doctor (with a trenchcoat three sizes too big that falls off her when jumping lazers). Plus Jenny isn’t technically the Doctor’s daughter at all, even though everyone refers to her as that: there’s no second DNA input so technically she’s his much younger identical twin, with the same genes but jumbled in a different order (given the lack of females in the human army and what we now know about timelord biology she seems to have been made female at random but could just as easily have been male; the timelords, taken from the ‘same’ DNA, think of each other as sort of cousins in ‘Lungbarrow’ – which raises other implications for The Doctor and Master’s relationship if they’re really made from the same DNA re-arranged. Was that really ‘would you do this to your own…loom family?’ how that sentence in ‘Planet Of Fire’ was actually going to end?) 


People change their minds willy nilly in this story without any reasons for it too: at first Donna is as anti-Jenny as the Doctor is (‘Watch it, GI Jane!’) , softening her approach because why exactly? Because she sees how annoyed the Doctor is about it all? (well, so was she a few scenes ago). The Doctor and Donna have switched personality traits all round this story: he’s the emotional shouty one and she’s the calm level-headed one (for all that Greenhorn was handed this story about having the Doctor ‘changed’ Russell seems to have missed how Donna has been so rewritten; she’s more like her old self than ever in next adventure ‘The Unicorn and The Wasp’ and she’ back to being the toddler again not the wise old owl). In other characters that would feel like a betrayal but there’s long been a hint that there was more depth to donna and it’s good to get that here before the season finale whallops that home – however this isn’t a character arc so much as a zigzag. Donna also, out of nowhere, offers to distract the guards with her ‘womanly wiles’ and the Doctor looks horrified: a funny moment to be sure but it’s so out of character for Donna. It’s as if Greenhorn is still writing the for the seemingly confident shouty Donna he saw in ‘The Runaway Bride’ and went out for tea at the end when it turned out that it was all just bluster and a cover up for her insecurities. The Donna we’ve come to know the past five stories would no more start flirting with someone than, say K9 would. Martha maybe. If she thought the Doctor was watching and jealous. Why not five that plot to her? In fact why not switch the Donna and Martha storyline around or even put them together while the Doctor and Jenny become a pair: Donna’s a natural empathy good at sympathising with strange looking life-forms, it’s actually more in character to befriend one than Martha (though in keeping for Martha to want to save a life). Martha’s having a great old time, bounding out the Tardis with more excitement than she ever had in series 3, but one bad incident with a Hath she barely knew and she’s begging to go home without ever quite explaining why (she’s seen worse just at Torchwood lately; it would make sense if this was Rose, but Martha’s had a tough old time in Who and last year ended with The Master torturing her family; is a dead fish, a casualty of war, really enough to change her mind?) Someone seems to have made Cob general on the human side. But presumably he’s no older than everyone else (he’s certainly less than a week old if he doesn’t know the origins of the war). Who gave him promotion? Plus the big one of course: how come the Hath, who can’t breathe oxygen, are on board this spaceship at all? And why haven’t they tried to, say, flood the ship or at least turn on the sprinkler system to make the odds better for them than the humans? And how come one drowns when it still has a breathing device attached to it’s gills? (they notice this too late for broadcast and ad a sound of smashing glass for the DVD, blu-ray and i-player versions, but if you look you can see the glass is intact). A couple of anomalies I can live with (like the Doctor I'm a very anomolous reviewer) but there’s so much patchwork going on to make this story work it makes you wonder if they wouldn’t have been better off starting again. 


 Because there is a great story in here somewhere. You see, this story does the sort of thing Dr Who always used to (factions fighting, even though neither of them can quite remember why – this is a cold war story, for the first time since maybe ‘Attack Of The Cybermen’, or ‘Curse Of Fenric’ if you see it as a Russian story rather than a Viking one), only it’s with a couple of really clever twists and all the bigger budget that Dr Who now has. act. Interesting to see updated version of storyline that used to be who’s bread and butter. Honestly it’s not that different to, say, ‘Warriors On The Cheap’ or ‘Destiny Of The Daleks’ in plot terms, with two equal foes in total stalemate, even though wars really weren’t like this in the 21st century. Post 9/11 we’re much more likely to get wars caused through sudden sneaky attacks or big conspiracies or fights over resources – it’s good to have a tale that’s traditional in so many ways. The idea that both sides have a claim to the territory so the fighting seems utterly ridiculous to us – until we think about how our own petty wars must look to aliens(or our children, when we try to explain all this to them, or at any rate it did before Putin started getting bloodthirsty and empirical all over again). These are two sides who’ve grown apart through a misunderstanding and a mis-communication, which is mirrored nicely by the sub-plot between the Doctor and Jenny, with a plot that tries to find common ground in both big and little ways. Though we never find out the backstory this setting feels at one with ‘The Ark’ and ‘The Ark In Space’ both, humanity’s last stragglers trying to forge out a new life in the stars because of some unforeseen tragedy. I don’t know about the Hath’s background but how typical that mankind’s last days should see them still fighting another war that puts them all in danger. The location filming in Swansea’s Planetaria, the space-age looking half-museum, half-funfair collection of planet specimens that’s a sort of real life ‘Space Museum’ crossed with ‘The Ark’ with lots of special effect and pizzazz, is the perfect choice and they make the most of it, all that lush foliage and life at the heart of a spaceship, one that’s meant to be saving both species not letting them kill each other off. Yes there’s an awful lot of running down corridors in this story, even for Who, but they’re beautiful corridors. It all looks magnificent with set and costume designers and director all on the page even if the writers aren’t. It looks, with the sound down, like a big Hollywood film in fact (perhaps that’s why, an in-joke, the Human boss is called ‘Gable’ as in ‘Clark’ and the Hath ‘Peck’ as in ‘Gregory’, although that last one might just be because he has a beak). 

Jenny is a great character. She’s just enough like the Doctor to be believable as his child but a whole new independent soul with a mind of her own. She defies his authority the same way the Doctor is always defying authority himself.  You can totally see her point of view alongside the Doctor’s and she’s every bit as sarky and charismatic and full of life as he is, Georgia Moffett nailing the character. You feel as if you know her really well by the end of this story, more than full companions from the Chibnall era we’ve followed for three years, despite only having about half an hour of screentime (possibly the upside of having Russell as showrunner: not that Greenhorn can’t write fully fledges characters either but this is a particular gift of The Davies overseeing your work). We don’t get a lot of time getting to know Jenny but what we do is time well spent – she shares all the Doctor’s traits of heroism and justice, just not his love for peace (that’s what comes up of growing up in a warzone: you think like a soldier) and the conflict that builds up with the Doctor makes for some of the episode’s best moments. We haven’t seen the Doctor try to be a responsible parent since he was William Hartnell and a junior being himself by timelord standards and, well, responsibility is something he’d been trying to duck out of since day one. It’s Donna, though, who shines most in this story, soothing the familial rows (so like her own warring family – you sense that she’s longed for an outsider to do this for the endless battles between her and her mum).

 The cheeky dialogue throughout, too is, is smart, taking the sort of banter and debate about unwanted relationships and responsibilities you get in soaps but gives it a whole other dimension of timey wimey and sciency wiency. ‘They stole a tissue sample at gunpoint and processed it – it’s not what you call natural parenting’ snaps the Doctor to Donna when she wonders why he isn’t relating to his child. ‘You can’t extrapolate a relationship from a biological accident’ says the Doctor. ‘Child support agency can’ laughs Donna. ‘When you look up genocide in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of me and it will read ‘not over my dead body’ huffs the last of the timelords to general Cobb. ‘What are you going to do? Tell my dad?’ asks Jenny as she runs off at the end. If the alternative to fighting is talking then there’s a lot of it in ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’ and almost all of it is good (another reason why it’s so frustrating the Hath don’t get to talk). Although the best scene of all might be the one where Donna suddenly (and again very out of character for her) emotionally manipulates The Doctor by making him listen to Jenny’s joint heartbeat. Not a word about The Doctor’s changes of heart(s) is spoken: David Tennant acts it all with his eyes.  Poor Martha, by contrast; it’s a waste of Freema Agyeman’s talents to be honest as she doesn’t get to do much except blow pretend bubbles in a jokey attempt at communication and sob, neither of which are her strengths. As for the other characters in this story we don’t really get to know any and don’t really care about anyone directly affected by this war except Jenny, so a lot of this story leaves you feeling ‘so what?’ The result is a curious hodgepodge: there are parts of this story that are utterly brilliant (given the Doctor a daughter, having her played by Georgia Moffett and the plot twist of how long the war’s been running) but there are other things that just don’t work at all (the war, the Hath, the several million plotholes). The result is a story that’s both easy to love and easy to mock all at the same time, a test-tube baby that ends up having more flaws than most stories despite wrapped around two of the best strands of sub-plot DNA in the whole of the modern series.  

POSITIVES + As maddening as Jenny’s regeneration might be, the very end is perfect: she runs off, having stolen a spaceshuttle, in just the way her dad stole his Tardis, leaving to explore the universe. Considering it’s a last minute change to the plot it’s remarkably apt. 


 NEGATIVES - The much-mocked scene where the just-born half-human half-timelord Jenny suddenly has the ability to leap through lasers, Mission Impossible style, without setting any of them off. It’s never explained where this ability has come from or why – I mean, if the soldiers could all do it they’d have beaten the Hath yonks ago, if it was a timelord thing the Doctor would have done it heaps of times (there’d be no stopping the Doctor-Romana team on their quest for the ‘Key To Time’ for starters) and if it’s a human thing...Well, why can’t I do that? It looks fun.


 BEST QUOTE: ‘Call me old fashioned, but if you really wanted peace couldn't you just stop fighting?’ 


PREQUELS/SEQUELS: There have, to date, been two box sets of audio adventures from Big Finish featuring Jenny (2018 and 2021), each one containing four stories. Picking up where ‘The Doctor’s Daughter’ left off, they feature Jenny trying to learn how to pilot the starship she stole and getting into trouble (the ‘having trouble with transport’ gene seems to be strong!) Georgia Moffett is excellent, handling Jenny’s quick switches between remorse, feistiness and humour with aplomb, but the rest of the cast can’t match her with some of the dodgiest accents heard since Morton Dill and the stories aren’t as strong as they might be. Jenny meets many monsters from the Whoniverse but as yet no Doctors (not even her real-life hubby), the best story being ‘Prisoner Of The Ood’ where they’re working as slaves in 21st century Earth (where Jenny gets to be as outraged as her old man, although it all turns out to be a ruse). The weirdest story: ‘Neon Reign’ which sounds like a book even the New Adventures line would have rejected, about a planet ruled by a sexist dragon King who thinks females are all slaves in a story that’s a bit too ‘Star Trek’ for a Who spin-off. Along the way she meets Dorium Maldovar (the blue-faced guy from ‘A Good Man Goes To War’), gains a ‘companion’ in Noah and an enemy in a cyborg bounty hunter trying to track her down, while many plots play upon her gullibility as a bright but inexperienced ‘new born’ in an adult body, similar to the first Romana. Where the parent story was all a bit fast though, the stories are a tad on the slow side and lack the plot or characters enough to sustain each hour long story. 


 Previous ‘The Sontaron Stratagem/The Poison Sky’ Next ‘The Unicorn And The Wasp’

Monday 26 June 2023

Underworld: Ranking - 146

     Underworld

(Season 15, Dr 4 with Leela, 7-28/1/1978, producer: Graham Williams, script editor: Anthony Read, writers: Bob Baker and Dave Martin, director: Norman Stewart)


Rank: 146

'Well here we are in space, Memnon. I fancy some food. Would you turn on your Aga for us? Oh no its that robot again HcTore, would you stop hectoring us please? Agh he's just hit me with his ray gun in my foot - me, A-Killies, look what you've done to my heel! No Ora the Panda, don't open your box or you'll let out the space virus and ancient Earth will be doomed! Now all we need is the 4th Doctor to turn up...'




 


 Poor ‘Underworld’. There it languishes at the bottom of DW polls as one of the few 4th Dr stories nobody seems to like. I guess with a name like that a story was never exactly going to come top of any lists and well, its no top tier classic that’s for sure, but I’ve never understood the hate for this story which unlike, say, ‘Timeless Children’ ‘Orphan 55’  ‘The TV Movie’ or ‘Time and the Rani’ doesn’t get things disastrously wrong on any level, even if it ends up being blandly good rather than bloody great. I do think this story is badly misunderstood though. I seem to be in the minority here but I rather like the idea that this script is the old Greek myths of old coming true, just in the future. Rather than the ‘lazy secondhand writing’ reviewers damn it with I’ve always found it quite clever – I’ve been a historian for long enough to know that most of human history is just people repeating themselves over and over in different costumes and in different names, so why not in the future too? Myths do often have a grain of truth in them, as the Doctor says at the end, and the quest is the quest after all. I particularly like the spaceship P7E being the future equivalent of ‘Persephone’ and ‘Orfe’ being ‘Orpheus’, even if ‘Jackson’ for ‘Jason’ is a bit of a stretch. Switching the search for a ‘golden fleece’ to a search for ‘Minyan data banks’ that contain the gene-pool of the Minyos civilisation also works for me; after all the ‘real’ fleece was about the search for power and control – and as it turns out the one having the power and control in this civilisation is a power-mad computer. Humans are always on a quest for hidden knowledge – its the knowledge that changes while the quest is, err, the quest, wait no that catchphrase is catching, the quest is always the same. I like the Minyans too – a rare race as old and as powerful as the timelords, who had their own time-war with them a long time before the Daleks thought of doing the same and who come with their own cruder method of regeneration (though really its more of a ‘renewal’). The hint, so fans think, is that Minyos is a future Earth colony. But what if Earth is a past Minyan colony that was abandoned from the past? That makes more sense to me (and maybe explains why Humans know the old stories in a garbled sword-of-mouth way).That’s ‘Minyan’ by the way not ‘Minion’, though both are pronounced the same, which is a shame – it would be even better if they were yellow and ate bananas. Similarly I was disappointed that the modern ‘Jason’ didn’t turn out to have an ‘Aga’ set to ‘nought’. Oh well, there’s still time for fan fiction. Anyway, the story is a good one, wherever it comes from, there are some nice bits of drama and action to break up the talking and some nice comedy moments too (fans often complain at the ancient artefact stamped with ‘made in Minyos’ like its from a secondhand dealer, but it always makes me laugh. Which, admittedly, might say more about me than the story). Dare I say it, this might be my favourite Baker-Martin story in pure terms of script (though ‘Nightmare of Eden’ by Baker alone, is a good one too).  People laugh at the acting too, but these are meant to be crewman who’ve been trapped in space for so many centuries they’re bored out of their minds or Trogs who live in the darkness and have no understanding of excitement – the way I read the story the Doctor and Leela are supposed to be the contrast to this, space and time travellers for whom everything is an adventure and brimming over with enthusiasm. Unfortunately it doesn’t always come over that way on screen. This looks, from how everybody seems on screen, as if this is one of those months when Tom Baker was in a foul mood with everyone from his co-star down, so if anyone looks bored in this world it’s the Doctor. People who aren’t too busy laughing at the script or the acting tend to laugh at the CSO special effects, a consequence of the ridiculously high inflation around in 1977 that caused the director Norman Stewart (formerly DW’s regular production assistant on his first big job) to cut costs. Given that they couldn’t build the elaborate sets they wanted the production team was faced with a choice: take some of the scenes out and re-write them or build models and then overlay the actors on there. For my money that’s the better solution of the two: the CSO shots aren’t as bad as everyone says and while you can tell the actors aren’t in the same room at all you have to be watching out for the really big mistakes, such as missing arms or legs or shadows (yes alright alright, apart from the ‘rockfall’ scene where extras seem to be running madly from rocks that weren’t added in time because it was too complicated). Compared to, say, the Myrka or the Ergon or the Mara snake or Kate O’Mara dressed as Bonnie Langford its a shame the scene doesn’t look quite right, rather than a travesty of the highest order that pulls you violently out of what you’re watching. Set against this the money that went on the spaceship set is well spent – it may even be the best futuristic spaceship set of the lot (‘Pirate Planet’ is the other contender), wide, spacious, clean. To my eyes ‘Underworld’s worst crime is none of these things – its more that its a bit on the slow side, without enough happening to sustain four episodes and that it tries a little too hard to feel like ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Star Wars’ both on a ridiculously miniscule fraction of the same budget with a bit of dodogy acting here and there– but honestly there’s a lot of Tom Baker episodes you could say that about. It will never be my very favourite then but if ever a DW story was under-rated its Underworld and the myth about how awful it is has been greatly exaggerated to my eyes.


+ The model shots are spectacular again, especially in the scenes where spaceships are attracting giant boulders in space, which could have been horrible but looks about as good as any model shot in 1977/78 on any budget could (frankly its more believable than the spaceship chases in Star Wars released a few months earlier and the plot is a lot less stupid).


- The ‘floating’ scene. Gravity on Minyos makes the 4th Doctor and Leela float ‘upwards’ instead of down. Which might make sense had anyone actually explained how this planet works and the effects physics had on this world before it happens, but just looks like a suspiciously easy way out of a typical DW dilemma to me.


Sunday 25 June 2023

The Fires Of Pompeii: Ranking - 147

    The Fires Of Pompeii

(Series 4, Dr 10 with Donna, 12/4/2008, showrunner: Russell T Davies, writer: James Moran, director: Colin Teague)


Rank: 147

'Yes Doctor, I see your future...It involves snogging, a lot of snogging. A crack in a wall. A wife whose the daughter of your future best friends. A final battle at Trenzalore (except the other final battles of course).An impossible girl born to keep you safe. A thousand years walking round a castle talking to yourself when Gallifrey comes back. Time in flux. And a talking frog. No, seriously. Oh and did I mention that I saw you looking older...not just older in this lifetime but this lifetime back again? Playing catch ball for the state of a world while a man dances to The Spice Girls. Wait that can’t be right can it?!?' 





It’s volcano day! And Dr Who is back doing what it always used to do best – pinching bits from two separate popular sources and sticking them together. One of them is the pompous documentary series ‘Rome’ that was at pains to point out how much better we were in the olden days and had a plot so up itself it barely fitted inside a toga and whose twenty-two episodes crawled by at such a snail’s pace of rising and falling that watching it felt a little like watching the Roman empire in real time. However it looked gorgeous, with a lavish set re-creation actually in Italy itself (not Pompeii itself but the Cinecitta studios in Rome) and for those (gulp) twenty-two hours Ancient Rome felt every bit as real as anything in the present day. And then on the other side there’s the excellent ‘Horrible History’ TV series based on the even more excellent Terry Deary books, which took a modern scalpel to the past, revealing it for all its truths, puncturing up the pomposity and reverence for past times and demonstrating how all eras are filled with rapscallions and idiots and how mankind never changes from era to era. The funniest thing on Tv in the 21st century until Dr Who came along, its irreverence and wit made it a must-watch even if it was obvious at times that it was being made on a similarly shoe-string budget of your average BBC children’s telly programme. Russell T Davies has long admitted, too, that one of his biggest non-Who influences growing up was Uderzo’s and Goscinny’s blisteringly funny series ‘Asterix’, which turned one small French Gaulish tribe’s attempts to defeat The Romans or ‘The Man’ with as many modern-day allusions as possible into an art form. Dr Who historicals have tended, till now, to have one foot in either of those camps, with serious attempts to bring times past to life in stories like ‘Marco Polo’ and ‘The Massacre’ along with jokey stories like ‘The Myth Makers’ and, yes, ‘The Romans’. Where ‘The Fires Of Pompeii’ scores highest is when the tectonic plates of two approaches collide and the episode truly erupts into something special – when we care even for the caricatures we’ve just been laughing at, who are just like us for us to be sympathetic and just enough like strangers for the story to feel like real history. Then by the end this historical begins to resemble a third way of doing things, being part of the ‘Time Meddler’ school of combining the science fiction with the established fact. The result is a wise-cracking story that won’t take anything seriously, until an ending which is as serious and emotional as any since the comeback. 


 Russell was fascinated by the time period and particularly Pompeii, the only time in history man was faced with a natural disaster that instantly turned everyone to ash. The idea of people being frozen in time in what they were doing at their very moment of death, killed by something they didn’t even understand (as the Doctor points out the word for volcano didn’t exist yet) and being lain forgotten for 1500 years sounds just the sort of thing Dr Who should be doing, the mundaneness of these people’s lives turned into such a fascinating record of the sort of everyday Roman life that wasn’t written down in the textbooks that it really brings the past to life in a way no other historical event can. The statues we see might be plaster casings taken of the vacuum created by where the human bodies were when the ash fit, but staring at them really is like staring into the eyes of real people who lived and bringing the past to life is exactly what the past was for. Russell was very keen to have a historical story in his comeback year (which for all he knew was his only year in charge of his favourite series) and included a story about Pompeii in his initial pitch to the BBC. It helped that The Romans is the one time period the children at home watching were guaranteed to have studied at some point, alongside The Victorians (who had already been done with ‘The Unquiet Dead’). However when the costs of other episodes came in it became clear that he had a choice: to either do a rush job on the cheap now or risk doing it properly in a later that might never arrive when costs from other episodes could be tweaked to pay for this one. And finally in 2008 he got his wish, with the cancellation of ‘Rome’ (the series, not the empire), getting touch with Cinecitta to ask them to leave the sets up. Even so the costs for this episode is still one of the highest in any era when you adjust for inflation: Russell joked during the tone meeting that the budget for the year was ‘busy being set alight and going up in smoke along with the volcano’. Busy with other episodes Russell then handed the episode over to James Moran, a writer who’d impressed him with Torchwood episode ‘Sleeper’ (another archaeological story, although in this case the discovered body is that of an alien in slumber for thousands of years). Moran had his own reference points: Caecillus, Metella and Quintus were all names borrowed from the family who talked about their life in the Cambridge Latin Course textbooks which were the go-to guidebooks for the last generation to be taught Latin as a matter of course (though some of our posher schools still do). Caecillus for one was known to be a real Roman figure, a bust of his head being one of the first things recovered in Pompeii (though he looks nothing like Peter Capaldi, being your traditional bald regal looking Roman) and his family were known to have perished in the ash clouds (though the Latin textbooks have Quintus surviving to narrate the tale). Russell was tickled: he’d studied Latin too in the early 1970s and remembered Caecillus being presented as an ‘everyday’ Roman, encouraging Moran to play up the similarities with everyday people than and now in his script. 


 So what we end up with is a hugely entertaining story shot in the same lavish way as the serious series itself, with three days of location filming on the same sets were ‘Rome’ was filmed, with an attention to detail that still found time for some anachronistic jokes. It all feels very new and struck audiences as very ‘now’ (or at least it did in 2008). So far the Who historicals since the comeback had been reverential, centred round a historical figure everyone in the audience knew whether it be from school lessons or banknotes battling aliens, but ‘Pompeii’ is a little different being based around an actual event that we in the audience understand better than anyone in it. This could have been boring – after all, it’s hardly a ‘spoiler’ that the big money shot in this one is going to be a blooming great volcano erupting – but the script still manages to keep us on our toes by throwing in twists and turns, with mysteries like the ancient Romans with the gift of prophecy who know all about the Doctor and the merchant carving circuit boards in his spare time. 


 This story seems to have a joke every other line, most of which hit the bullseye (TK Maximus! No way – Appian way! The Doctor and Donna telling everyone that they are ‘Spartacus’, just like the film) although the constant playing up of the teenager with the hangover and the grumpy dictatorial parents is perhaps a little overdone. Quintus’ sulks go a bit too far too, although there’s a neat joke that’s he’s spent all day at the ‘thermopoloum’ gorging on fast food (a real Roman thing; given the tone of the rest of the script I’m surprised it wasn’t named Maximus Donalds). One of the funniest is the opening where Caecillus buys the Tardis which has landed in the market stall as a ‘work of modern art’ is Moran’s sly reference to his favourite Who story ‘City Of Death’. The very funniest is the Doctor’s comments about meeting the ‘real’ soothsaying Sybil in an unseen adventure (‘truth be told I think she had a bit of a thing for me. I said it would never last. She said I know. Well she would’). Some of the humour is so subtle you miss it first time too, such as Lucius’ full name being Petrus Dextus (or ‘Stone right arm’ in English). The slapstick is pretty good fun too, such as the Doctor defeating the monster of the day armed with nothing but a water pistol he seems to have kept in his jacket all these years just in case he ever needed one, an incongruity that’s very Dr Who (good job the water hadn’t evaporated during trips to volcanic planets really). Yes some of it seems a bit unlikely (would a Roman merchant really use the phrase lovely jubbly’? Plus in the carving of the Tardis at the end the words ‘praesidium arc’ don’t really mean ‘police box’ but ‘committee box’, the closest they could find) and the performances can be a bit broad but for all we know until we successfully translate every single Roman text might well be true and there are so many gags in this story that even when a few don’t land there’ll be a really funny one along a few seconds later. 


 For all that, though, ‘Pompeii’ is not a silly story; writer James Moran takes great pains to use the comedy to make you feel closer to the people in this story, not removed from them so that you feel it when they are put in danger by story’s end. It’s a repeat, of sorts, too of ‘The Aztecs’ and the 1st Doctor’s pleas to Barbara ‘that you can’t change history, not one line’ with a past that’s set I stone – literally in this case. We at home all know that the eruption of Mount Vesuvius is a fixed point in time that can’t be changed and so does the Doctor, but the bigger surprise is that the Doctor blows his top more than the volcano at having to keep the timelines as recorded history knows them (does he envision a reaper-filled future as in ‘Father’s Day’?) Distraught at nobody listening to her advice to leave Pompeii for the day, Donna finally getting him to save the family we’ve got to know as a consolation prize for not being allowed to alter history, just like the olden days. As much as Donna wants to save the people she’s come to know (if not necessarily love) the Doctor ends up being the one to cause the eruption himself, as the lesser of two evils when the whole world is threatened by the Pyroviles. Russell’s Dr Who is often about forcing the Doctor to choose between two impossible situations but this is perhaps the most blatantly like those old ethical dilemma questions raised in psychology lectures: is it murder to let fate take its course when you could have done something to stop it, or is it worse to tweak fate so that a statistically smaller number of people die. Even if you save more people though how do you feel at still being a killer, responsible in a way you wouldn’t have been if things had been left to nature? It’s like a mini repeat of the time war when the Doctor actively intervened to stop The Daleks even though it meant killing his own people in a fireball just like this and we’ve seen for three and a bit series now how much that choice has been hanging over him. So, despite the 10th Doctor being such fun for most of this story, running around with a water pistol, out running out gunning and especially out thinking everyone at high speed, the ending has him as detached and alien as we ever see this regeneration. At this point Donna was too new to be seen on screen beyond her debut in ‘The Runaway Bride’ so Moran writes in a similar ending all round, where Donna switches from being sarcastic comedy relief to the Jiminy cricket on the Doctor’s shoulder, reminding him to be merciful and kind. Just as with the Racnoss, the Doctor gets carried away with the burden of being a timelord without anyone to stop him and Donna has the sort of companion meltdown at his refusal to save anyone not seen since the days of Steven in ‘The Massacre’ or Jamie in ‘Evil Of The Daleks’. 


 Romans are hard to do on screen, even when you have a readymade set built for you – their regimented, capitalist-driven culture is, of all the ancient societies, the one closest in feel to ours and yet it has several key beliefs that make it very different too: slavery, circuses, emperors and Gods. The scripts makes strong play on the first three of these, with slaves workers who are really just on no hour contracts, threats of circuses that are like social media pile-ons and emperors who are just like today’s politicians (Davidus Camerus should have been quaking in his sandals when this went out). It’s the Gods that are the key difference to the story and the idea that every household had its own God and the daughter of the family we visit who can actually talk to them is the key difference. There’s a neat subplot here too about beliefs, that does the old 1980s trick of portraying such a believable, ‘normal’ world that throwing a panicking manic Doctor in it citing psychobabble makes him seem the crazy one – even when he’s right. Ancient Rome was superstitious, to them their Gods are very real and to be believed in to such an extent that it looks like a form of madness to us today and so at odd at with their reputation as the practical people of the ancient world who brought concepts of straight roads, baths with heated water and sewage systems to the countries they conquered. They don’t believe the Doctor though and Donna’s own attempts at warning everyone are equally doomed to failure. After all, it’s all a matter of perspective: to the Romans the Gods are at work keeping them safe so they feel protected, whilst they have no term for volcano because they’ve needed one before – that rumbling is just the God having a tantrum and maybe they should slaughter a few more pigs to keep it happy. The minds of Rome weren’t changed in a day and the Doctor and Donna simply run out of time to make everyone take them seriously, even when the local soothsayers have all picked up foreknowledge of events to come (though, as it happens, events to come if the Doctor doesn’t meddle with fate). It’s a clever time-travel twist to give at least some of the people here the gift of second sight, to have historical characters who can see a part of the future despite not having a time machine of their own, although their price for it is slowly being turned to stone ironically, rooted to the spot so that their present becomes rigid. Could it be that Moran is also making a comment here about how having insight into big events to come makes the Doctor metaphorically feel the same, powerless to change anything? We’re such a long way from the carefree days of the 4th Doctor who was happy to change events when the timelords could put everything right again when they went really wrong, but this time he feels the responsibility of being the only one. 


 Though it’s a big surprise to the people of Pompeii to us Whovians it’s no surprise that this voice turns out to be an alien – and that’s the point where a largely excellent story goes downhill, with the scifi invading real history and this week’s monsters the Pyroviles turning up so near the end of the story that they don’t really get a chance to be properly sketched in. We don’t learn what happened to them except that they’ve been buried here a long time and need some circuitry – having Lucius as their voice isn’t much good when he doesn’t understand their backstory to begin with. They’re disappointing in how they behave, too, being basically a combustible Gelth, which makes sense I suppose given the closeness of fire and gas but doesn’t make them feel the most original monster and we’ve seen better CGI effects too. The ‘real’ villain for most of this story is Lucius Petrus, a Roman whose a worthy opponent for Tennant’s Doctor and the ‘clues’ towards what’s really going on are well handled (the discovery of a circuit board masquerading as an exotic tile pattern is a neat touch, each one created by a different artist so that nobody has a bigger picture as to what’s going on). 


 There’s another heavy reference too with a similar, earlier Big Finish story ‘The Fires Of Vulcan’ that got there eight years earlier and had the 7th Doctor and Mel trying to warn people about the imminent explosion too (though the 10th Doctor days nothing he might be trying to work out how not to kill his younger self or destroy his Tardis with his actions here). Another story with a flame-haired volcanic assistant, it’s one of the best of the early Big Finishes and the first one that did things that hadn’t already been seen on TV. It very much feels like the stepping stone between the old series and the new in a way that most of the other first batch of Big Finishes don’t, with a plot that weaves itself round the companion, a big emotional testing climax and lots of use of time travel, with the Tardis uncovered at an archaeological dig in the 20th century trapped under layers of ash. It would be very in character for the 10th Dr to have just forgotten about this earlier adventure, but I like to think it’s happening just out of shot in this story, as there’s nothing here that contradicts it: the Doctor might be checking the dates not so much for the eruption as to make sure he doesn’t run into his younger self and get in his own way. The radio version is better in some ways: the sound effects on Big Finish are always very good, while the script has a feeling of doom that runs all the way through that isn’t interrupted by the humour (fun as it is) and the lack of alien monsters is highly welcome. 


 That said, this TV version has a lot of things going for it to. The modern series’ first location filming is sensibly chosen, with the move to Italy really giving an extra dimension of realness to this story. There’s an excellent cast too, including Phil Davis as Lucius (perfect casting as The Devil in ‘Being Human’, the BBc series Toby Whithouse during downtime from working on Who in a few years’ time) and two actors who’ll become very big in Who under the next showrunner Steven Moffat. Peter Capaldi is of course now known best as the 12th Doctor and at the time had just been announced as the star of Russell’s Torchwood series ‘Children Of The Earth’ (his best part, as the troubled civil servant Frobisher) but is a lot more natural here as a comedy Roman. Capaldi’s better at the comedy than the rudeness and scowling Moffat often gave him to play (as you can tell by the final rather clichéd line about coining the word ‘volcano’ where he goes all tense and dramatic). How do they get around the similarity of his appearance here? ‘The Girl Who Died’ reveals that it was a subconscious desire to remember the need for the mercy the Doctor (finally!) shows at the end of this episode, which does make you rather wonder why the 1st Doctor wanted to be reminded of The Abbott Of Amboise, the 2nd evil dictator Salamander and the 6th shooty timelord guard Maxil! Karen Gillan, meanwhile, is doing her first TV fresh out of drama school after working as a model and gets precious few lines as the soothsayer but still makes quite an impression waving her arms about and doing most of her acting with her eyes (which are, erm, painted on her hands). Spookily Karen’s first filmed episode as Amy Pond also saw her being turned into stone in ‘Time Of The Angels’. Funnily enough with David Tennant as well they make three Scottish actors with quite broad accents in real life all speaking cod-English, which makes the lines about the stallholders assuming Donna is Celtic and talking to her as if she’s Welsh particularly funny. We all know by now how good David Tenant can be and he is: whether manically grinning, staring in anger or filled with puppyish excitement this is a script that gives him a lot to work with and he makes the most of it. In context it’s Donna whose the surprise: so far her two stories have been jokey ones and she starts much the same way at the beginning of this one: even in the rather unnecessary and brief sub-plot about her being kidnapped and about to be sacrificed she’s far from a helpless victim unlike most other times it happens to companions in Dr Who getting all the best lines while in a position of helplessness. However it’s the switch at the end that process that Catherine Tate is an actress as well as a comedian: her distress at the Doctor’s actions and thinking she’s been left behind by her best friend relies on more than mere comic timing and laughs. Tate gets better and better during her year in the series and will give greater performances still (in Turn Left’ particularly) but here is the turning point where she went from being better than we feared to beloved companion. Francesca Fowler, too, does well with a bad part as the Roman daughter, going all method by getting food poisoning during filming (she does look especially gaunt and pale). 


 The end result turned out to be a lot more reverential of what is after still a mass gravesite than I expected. Well of course, I remember saying when the episode titles of series four were released, Catherine Tate’s explosive Donna is returning so of course they’re going to stick her in a story where an explosive red-head blows its top. After all, that would have been entirely in keeping with a modern Dr Who historical trend for big set pieces set around big explosive moments in history, most of which have been caused by aliens. To my surprise first time round ‘Fires Of Pompeii’ is more of a character-piece, one that’s less about the eruption of Vesuvius than it is about the people who lived there in AD79 and its Donna whose the calming influence, the humanist whose compassion has a bigger effect on the 10th Doctor than he quite realises yet. There’s a great scene-setting opening and an explosively emotional finale; it’s the middle bit that sags a bit. Suddenly all those wisecracking jokes aren’t setting the scene anymore but getting in the way of the plot, while the plot descending into your average Dr Who runaround gets in the way of this fascinating new world we’ve walked into. How does it compare to the ‘other’ time Dr Who did Romans in 1965? Well, that episode is ‘cuter’ all round, but if anything the comedy is even more slapstick than here – the sense of jeopardy and exploring worlds was much stronger back then though, when the only real plot was getting the right people in the right places again by the end of the story; ‘Pompeii’ by contrast feels as if it’s trying a bit too hard to come up with a story set around a big focal point and can’t quite lose the archness behind some of the jokes. 


 The end result is a clever, complex, funny story with lots of great individual scenes that made me laugh and cry both in alternating scenes – that along makes this a strong Who piece. I can’t help wishing, though that the story had been given just a little more room to breathe (ironic, really, given the subject matter): the switch from high farce to sobbing tragedy somewhere in the middle is too blunt and there’s not enough time to get the back story of the Pyrovile or the full impact of what the erupting volcano means. In AD 79 the rumblings from Vesuvius had been going on for a full seventeen years: the tragedy is everyone had plenty of warning had they had access to what our scientists know now, but the inhabitants paid a heavy price for our civilisation not getting that far yet: nobody seems to think that through; Donna, for instance, doesn’t react to every rumble with panic as if its going to be the big one – she just watches everyone calmly catching loose objects the way they do in ‘Mary Poppins’. Everyone should be a lot more horrified than they are, not treating each rumble as a big joke. For a start they should be terrified that they’ve upset their Gods too many times and be doing a lot moe praying and sacrificing; I’m surprised, given the jokes in the first half, that the parents aren’t blaming this all on the young for making the Gods mad in their ignorance. One of the reasons they didn’t move is because volcanoes are really good for the topsoil before they blow, thanks to all that extra heat: a morality tale about man’s greed meaning people don’t get up and go before its too late was right there on the table and it’s not taken. The idea of something utterly alien to the inhabitants of Pompeii that they don’t understand yet live right next to needed to be in the script more for it to, well, rise above the ashes. That coda with the Caecellus family moving on is sweet but it’s no substitute for what we could have had: four whole cities disappeared overnight, in an age when news travelled slow and most people couldn’t have gone to gawp for themselves. There were lots of folk tales about what happened, despite there being enough eye-witnesses to recount the reality. This should be a family scarred in a country that’s scarred; instead in keeping with this optimistic new-look series we see the family all healed and recovered, one of them even learning to become a Doctor so he can save people just like the person who saved him. As far as this story goes in describing the horror, further than they needed to go in many respects, this might have been a better story still had they gone that bit further and followed everything through that bit more. Instead the only suffering we see as the volcano goes nuclear (with a force a thousand times greater than the atomic bomb) is one small nuclear family of four and as well drawn as they are that’s not enough spectacle for an eruption that killed 2000 people not just in Pompeii but smaller surrounding cities Herculaneum, Oplontis and Stabiae. At the time 2000 people was a lot: even now it’s a large village’s worth, all gone. 


I understand why for reasons of cost but if they’d had Vesuvius lurking in the background shots of most scenes, getting bigger and bigger, the jeopardy would have been stronger still (a still blow-up picture would have done) – instead we don’t even properly see it till story’s end when it’s marred by a poor CGI shot of an escape shuttle pod heading directly into the camera. Funny as all the jokes are I’d sacrifice them all for more drama and emotion like this and with them everything feels slightly too hollow, too false, to care about as much as by rights you should. And even then, right at the end when despite everything you do care because Donna’s screaming and the Doctor’s looking sad, in comes a particularly pompous Pompeii choir from composer Murray Gold that makes everything seem false and unreal all over again. However, that’s my blow-my-top I-always-wanted-to-see-Pompeii-in-Dr-Who-and-this-is-probably-my-only-chance head on. More magma-nimously ‘Fires Of Pompeii’ still does a cracking job of making Ancient Rome come alive again every bit as much as the ash sculptures of people’s remains that are still being studied two thousands years later. There’s a really moving story buried under the clouds of jokes and even the jokes are clever and funny, with more gags per line than maybe any other Who story: it’s the two together that doesn’t quite work. For half a story this episode is on fire, like properly ground breaking – while at others it just kind of fizzles out disappointingly. In other words I like it a lot but don’t lava-it like the very best Who stories. 


 POSITIVES + No, it wasn’t really filmed in Pompeii and Vesuvius itself is a CGI creation (with bits of cork substituted for ash), something which surprises a lot of people given how believable everything looks, even to people who know their stuff. This story was, however, mostly filmed in Rome in a TV studio there and it was well worth the extra travelling money to give this story a real feel of history being all around us and giving us as close-as to the sights and sounds that the real Italians would have experienced as budget and archaeological rights would allow. Of all the foreign location shoots in Dr Who history this might well be the best; it’s certainly the most relevant and gives an atmosphere to this story that you really couldn’t have got in a BBC studio in Wales, however well made. All the more impressive, then, given that the BBC only had three days to film and the pre-planning for those was interrupted by a fire just before the team arrived; mercifully it didn’t affect the bits they needed but it was a big one, caused by an electrical short, that killed four people and left the owners in disarray. What with everyone being delayed twenty-four hours in Calais at customs (that must have made them feel a little like the Doctor and Donna in this story; ‘but of course I’m filming a scifi drama about an eccentric timelord in the ruins of Pompeii in which I play a hundred foot Pyrovile alien belching smoke who gives the gift of second sight) this was one of the more fraught shoots on Who but you can’t tell from what appears on screen. The scenes in Caecelluses’ house were, yet again, filmed in Cardiff’s Temple of Peace, perhaps the most re-used location in Who. 


 NEGATIVES - The pyroclastic Pyroviles sound great on paper: creatures made of magma that can turn Humans to ash in seconds just by breathing funny that are incredibly tall and look just enough like Roman soldiers to fit the episode aesthetic. In practice they’re a bunch of Transformers wannabes with rocks between the ears, too obviously a CGI creation that isn’t really there. It’s telling that they’ve never yet made a comeback despite the amount of plots they could be put in (‘The Day Popocatepetl Popped!’ ‘Krakatoa goes Kerblaam!’ ‘Mount St Helens? You Wish!’) They’re not the worst looking Dr Who monster by any means but they are disappointing after such a build-up and their motivation is confused at best (a spaceship of theirs crashed into Earth, where their particles were sucked into Vesuvius and breathed in by the nearby population which gave some of them fortune-telling visions but a side effect where their limbs turn to stone...Yeah, I’m surprised that sort of thing doesn’t happen all the time to be honest: only Dr Who would do a story where aliens have turned the people of Pompeii to ash even before the volcano erupts). 


 BEST QUOTE: Doctor: ‘Some things are fixed, some things are in flux. Pompeii is fixed’. Donna: ‘How do you know which is which?’ Doctor: ‘Because that's how I see the universe. Every waking second, I can see what is, what was, what could be, what must not... That's the burden of the Timelord, Donna. And I'm the only one left’. 


 PREQUELS/SEQUELS: ‘The Fires Of Pompeii’ was one of the last ‘Dr Who lockdown tweetalongs’ of the covid pandemic in May 2020.By now Who had used up all the big name guests willing to take part in the ‘post episode’ big event, but they still had writer James Moran and Francesca Fowler and Tracey Childs, the two actors who played Metella and Evelina, the mother and daughter from the Caecillus family that the Doctor saves from death by volcano at story’s end. They’re not the same characters but their descendents who, in a ‘Dodo/Anne Chaplet’ sort of a way (see ‘The Massacre’) hint that the family lived long and happy lives and had lots and lots of babies who ended up looking very very similar all round. If it seems somewhat ‘wrong’ to see such familiar faces grappling with zoom and skype it does at least reverse the joke of the episode, where the Roman family kept doing modern-day things without realising it (the family here mirroring their Roman selves in equal obliviousness with the dad an architect, the son a doctor, the mum a policewoman and the daughter a writer, repeating in cycles round and round). Of all the lockdown stories it’s the one least linked to the parent episode which confused a lot of people and will no doubt confuse a lot more the further away from the year of full lockdown we get but in many ways it’s the cleverest in terms of reflecting the odd, scary world we found ourselves in. There’s a really sweet moment where Eve talks about how much her brother loves being a Doctor but how worried she is for what he’s gong through, abandoned by a government who have no protective measures to give him (here’s hoping he didn’t get longus covidius) and another where they discuss the family folk tale that they were once saved by a ‘guardian angel’ (which is as good a description of the Doctor as any). Eve also has a screensaver of Pompeii, suggesting she visited there in the recent past… 


 As discussed Big Finish got there first with ‘The Fires Of Vulcan’, a 7th Doctor story from their main range written by Steve Lyons and released in 2000. This is an equally emotional episode but in a whole different way, centring round the Doctor’s desperate attempts to find a kidnapped Mel and escape Pompeii before the volcano finally blows – something made harder by the fact it’s been buried by lava. It’s a bit more complicated than that though, because – in a move that seemed outrageous at the time but makes a lot more sense since having Steven Moffat as showrunner – we also follow an archaeological dig in 1980 when a perfectly preserved impression of a destroyed Tardis is discovered in the excavations (all perfectly plausible given that even now only a fraction of Pompeii has been fully exhumed). The plot then becomes a ‘Space Museum’ tale of fate an pre-destination and how to avoid a fate that seems, if you pardon the expression, set in stone. There’s a tense and moving plot that centres on whether the Doctor can warn everyone around him in time of the coming crisis (whereas to them he sounds like a lunatic, talking about a mountain belching fire – a scene Donna sort of gets in the TV version instead, perhaps because the Doctor’s already tried it and knows changing people’s minds is impossible). Even before the TV version was on this was one of my favourite of the early Big Finishes (this is only the 12th Dr Who story the company released), the range’s first real story that touched on things much bigger than seeing old friends running around in a traditional Who setting and which pointed at just how ambitious the audio adventures could be. It’s one of Sylvester McCoy’s best performances in anything and a slightly more experiences Bonnie Langford on audio is so much better than her younger self on TV it’s sometimes hard to credit she’s the same actress. The volcano itself sounds pretty great too. Highly recommended, especially for fans of ‘Fire’ who think one trip to Pompeii just isn’t enough. Odd to think though that canonically there are two Doctors out there on the exact same day… 


 See also ‘The Romans’ for more Who hi-jinks in Italy in roughly the same time period. 


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The Devil's Chord: N/A (but around #180ish)

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